TV We'd Like to See:
Captain's Log, StarDate 2001.3.16..."we've entered orbit around a type-B planet on an observational mission. It seems that the local inhabitants of this planet are suffering from a mass delusion rooted in a belief that they somehow possess prescient knowledge not available to ordinary beings. This delusion that rested with a few has grown through media exposure to become the norm among the people that follow these so-called "chosen ones"; we are here to observe their behavior for ourselves, and to report back to the Federation, who has grown concerned about these beings' status among their peers, when there appears to be little reason for it. Mass hysteria? Apathy? Stupidity? Who knows? But we must...find...out..."
Turning, the Captain addresses his first officer. "Mr. Thrift, what can you tell me from the tricorder readings on the planet?"
"Well, Captain, It appears that the planet is lush with greenery, with the occasional large expanse of green plastic laid over concrete and a couple of large domed structures. There are numerous life forms, and I'm getting several readings of concentrated toxic energy forces...one from an area called Shekawgo, another from an area called Bawston, one in a overall toxic area known as Lalaland, and a fourth one which appears to be waning in influence in an area near a large body of water known as Ballmer."
"That's IT, Mr. Thrift. We're at the right place. This is the planet of...The BASEBALL PEOPLE !!!"
(Dramatic music builds to a crescendo as camera tightens in on the Captain...fade to commercial.)
"and now, Albert Belle for NAAP...the National Association of Angry People..."
"Hello, friends, I'm Albert Belle. You may have known me from my baseball days an elbow throwing, clubhouse destroying, fly ball mangling, exhibition avoiding, media hating angry person. I have a story to tell you. After I quit playing, I had more free time, and I began taking a little siesta in the afternoon. I found that whenever I did this, I awoke refreshed, with a gentler outlook on things. I did some research into this, and found out that many people around the world advocated afternoon rest for themselves as a way to keep a fresher outlook on life.
(Voiceover continues as camera shows Frank Thomas, Gary Sheffield, and Carl Everett sound asleep...)
"It's too late for my playing career, but it's not too late for the rest of my life...or the rest of yours...that's why I have formed NAAP, the National Association of Angry People. At NAAP, we know that what you need is not heavy fines, respect of your peers, more money, or anger management; all you really need is a little snooze in the afternoon. Join us at NAAP; participate in our lobbying efforts to institute mandatory nap-time in the afternoons at the workplace.
"It's really worked for me...you know, this year, I even look forward to Halloween." (Camera pulls back to reveal smiling children with costumes, and sullen-looking teenagers with eggs surrounding Albert.)
"So, next time you feel angry, do what I do, take a NAAP break !!" (Albert smiles as egg smacks into the side of his face. Albert scowls, and the children all giggle. Albert relents, relaxes, and smiles again as the picture fades...)
NOW, it's back to STAR TREK, starring Karl Malden as Captain Angelos, and Wilfred Brimley and Mr. Thrift...let's return to..."The Baseball People !!!"
The Door to the bridge slides open, and Dr. Andrews emerges. The Captain turns to greet him. "Bones, how goes it? We're almost ready to beam down to BancOneCynergyPacBellSafeco Seven, to check out these "Baseball People" for ourselves. I'd really like to have you come along....by the way, how's young Ensign Brea doing?"
"Dammit, Pete, I'm a doctor, not Father Time. His tricorder indicator is all over the place. One minute he's a promising youngster, the next he's already middle aged. I've never seen anything like it !!!"
Mr. Thrift steps into the conversation. "What difference does it really make how old he is?"
Andrews rolls his eyes. "You WOULD think that, you green blooded octanagerian. What the hell do you know about it? It was YOUR idea to sign him up from that academy without checking him out first. Why don't you go mind-meld with someone so you'll have half a brain?"
"OK, you two, cut out the light hearted banter."
"Whose being light-hearted, Pete? Why you keep this space relic on board, I'll never know. One day he's going to navigate us all into oblivion !!!"
"STOW it, Mister. I've had enough of that. There's no one I trust more than Mr. Thrift. Now, let's get down to the transporter and check out this planet."
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE OF "THE BASEBALL PEOPLE"...