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Queer Eye for the straight team By bob bryant October 30, 2003 |
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Opening: In the winter of 2002, five gay men are alerted that their services are required. Kyan Douglas (grooming), Ted Allen (food and wine), Carson Kressley (fashion), Jai Rodriguez (culture), and Thom Filicia (interior design), all hop into their custom black SUV with the 'FAB 5" license plate, and they hit the road for Miami. For a vacation? No! It's to help out their latest downtrodden victim. "So, who are we helping out this week? You've got the bio, there, Carson, read it to us!" "All right, there, Thom. Just keep those darling green eyes on the road, okay? The person this week that needs our help is this guy Jeffrey, who used to live in New York, but recently moved one of his businesses from Montreal to Miami. And, get this, girlfriends...he's an ART DEALER!" "Whoa, what did you say? An art dealer? New York? Montreal? Miami? What in the heck does this guy need with us? He doesn't sound like someone that could use our help at all!" "I don't know, but that's where we're going!" A Knock on the Door of the Florida Marlins offices, followed by the entrance of the Fab Five. Loria: Who the hell are you guys? Carson: Oh, are you...Mr. Loria? We're the Fab Five from a show that will premiering this summer on BRAVO! called "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." We help out a different straight man from the New York area each week, to, well, help him get his stuff together. So, what's up with you. Mr. Loria? I mean, really...an art dealer? from New York? With an office in Miami? I mean, really...some guys will go to great lengths just to get some new furniture and some smashing new couture. Loria: I didn't call you guys. And I'm not, well, you know. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I bet those jerks up in Montreal did this to me, to get even! Next thing you know, they'll be suing me! Those morons! Thom: Well, didn't you get our fax saying that we accepted the challenge of helping you make over your ball club? Loria: No, I'm afraid not. We stopped using the fax machine because the paper is just so darn expensive, you know? Well, any way, now that you're here, I might as well take advantage of you. I mean, there IS a large gay population in Miami, maybe I'm missing a potential gold mine here. Getting your take on things might be really a good way to go. Carson: Well, the first thing you ought to do is trade for that dreamy Brady Anderson. No one fills out a pair of baseball pants like our boy Brady! Loria: Well, that might be a good idea, but he's out of the game. He's simply too old, and can't hit any more. And his legs are shot. Carson Oh, really? That's too bad, I guess it's true. It's hard to get any bling-bling when you're over 40. Well, let's see. Do you have any photos of other potential free agents out there? Loria: Sure. Here you are, Fab Five. Jai: Hey, look at this guy. Great eyes, and those eyelashes are to DIE for! And that mouth...very sensitive. and he's Latin, too! He could be perfect! Carson: Hmmm. you're right, Jai. Listen, pumpkin, is he a pitcher, or a catcher? Loria: Why, he's a catcher. Carson: Well, I don't know that we need any more of those around. Personally, I'm always of the mind that you can't have enough pitching! (Rest of Fab Five smirk.) Seriously, I agree with Jai. He's a doll. Loria: But that's Ivan Rodriguez. We can't afford him. He's about to sign a three year deal with Baltimore for seven million a year. Kyan: BALTIMORE? As one of my favorite authors once said, "There's no THERE there." You're talking about a city whose male populace had no idea of fashion, or style, and even less about grooming products. Why, there's not a decent salon in the entire city! Jai: Look, Miami is where this boy wants to be. You can see it in his face. You just have to make him an offer. He's waiting, and wanting, to be here! Loria: I-Rod? Really? You think he wants to play in Miami? Carson: I-ROD? His nickname is I-ROD? And you're asking us is a guy with a nickname like that wants to play in Miami or not? Tell us, what does the "I" stand for? Iron? I thought you said this guy was a catcher! Loria: Don't get excited, there, Carson. it stands for "Ivan", his first name. It's a play on other famous players with that name, like the shortstop for the Rangers, Alex Rodriguez, who is called "A-Rod". Thom: Oh, I've seen him. He's a dreamboat. I always hoped that his nickname stood for something like "Atomic." Kyan: Yes, I know him. We've consulted on some product a couple of times. There's a guy that knows his way around a spa! Ted: Yeah, he's a major hottie! Can you get him? Loria: No, he's tied up in a long term deal in Texas. Carson: Whoo-ee! I know just how he feels! I got tied up in Texas for a long weekend once! Ride 'em cowboy! Jai: Cool those jets, there, Carson. You know, Rob, let's say you get this guy. You know there's more to metrosexual culture than just looks. Now, football players are always slapping each other on the rump, and they wear those fabulous pants, but you can't really see their faces very well. And basketball used to be great, with the little short-shorts and all, but these flowing tents that the guys are wearing these days... Carson: that's not couture...they need Omar the Tentmaker, not me! Jai; Exactly. And those tattoos...there's a subculture that finds that attractive, but overall, you can do better. This is a great chance for baseball to step forward and make a statement. You can be the first truly metrosexual team! Thom: Jai, what do you think about this? There are a lot of post-game rituals in baseball, right? After a win, the players all lining up to do all sorts of hand rituals, bumping chests, all that macho stuff, right? Jai: Yeah. Thom: Well, what about this? We get two players to...kiss after every game! Right out there on the field! Loria: You must be joking. Thom: I never joke about my work, Mr. Loria. Loria: Who do you think would do this? and won't they be laughed out of baseball? Carson: I bet a could of the Latin players will do it. They are so demonstrative! Maybe this new catcher of yours would agree to be on one end of a pair of lips! Loria: I don't know...kissing on the field? Thom: Look, if you want to get South Beach in here, you've got to go for the flamboyant. And then, there's uniforms. What do you think, Carson? Carson: I was thinking of something different, and cool. Say, like, teal and black? Loria: Our uniforms are already teal and black. Carson: Your players are already wearing teal and black, and you're worried about whether or not they will kiss? Goodness, I'm not sure you even need us at all if you're wearing teal already! How come I've never seen anyone in the East Village wearing any of your caps, or better yet, a slimming black t-shirt with a big projectile-nosed fish leaping skyward on the front? Loria: Well, that's sort of the problem. We really aren't well known. We don't have a fan base, we play in this miserable football stadium.... Thom: I am so glad to hear you say that ! You know, recognizing that you HAVE a problem is the biggest step towards solving it. One of the things that the show is all about is changing your living quarters to something clean, hip, and something that reflects your style. First, I noticed the place isn't very clean. Kyan: Yes, I saw some of the bathrooms on the ways in. And those troughs that the men pee into? What were you thinking? Yecch! Loria: Well, yes, we're a bit embarrassed about that. We haven't had them cleaned since the last Dolphins game in December. We really don't have the money for a cleaning crew. Kyan: Well, we'll take care of that. This once. Then, you're on your own. Jai: There is the matter of your manager, too. This current guy doesn't have the right feel about him. Now, I know that the more metro-friendly head coaches are in other sports, like that dreamy Pat Riley or Little Ricky over there in Louisville, but there's something you can do. How about a much older manager? Not only would he reflect better as someone your core audience can relate to, but if you get someone who is really open-minded, and will let the boys cavort, kiss, dance to salsa in the locker room, because he knows that living loose is better than living tight, like that horrible Larry Bowa, then you might be on to something. But no old guys in butch haircuts, or with metal plates in their heads. Someone crusty, but friendly. Sort of a grandpa, but one that doesn't forget what time the game is. Loria: Hmmm...you might just have something there. Thom: And I'll go start working on some legislation for a new home. I mean, this place is all wrong for you. I see a more intimate place, with tighter site lines, cup holders, some wrought iron and brick, a sort of retro cool...It may take a bit longer than what we'll usually do on our show, which is one day...but we'll get you there, I promise... Ted: And, Mr. Loria, let's talk food. I mean, the Cuban sandwiches are a nice touch. Certainly better than hot dogs... Carson: I happen to like hot dogs. There's nothing like a good foot long... Ted: Yes, Carson, we get the message. Anyway, as I was saying, Mr. Loria, instead of ice cream in a plastic helmet, maybe a creme broulee? I can show you how to make one in the kitchen, and then it'll be up to you...and we really have to do something about those screw-top wines you're serving on the club level... Carson: Anyway, Mr. Loria, when we're though with you, you'll have a team any metrosexual can be proud of, and want to be part of. Who knows, this new attitude of coolness and products and couture might rub off on the confidence of the team. You never know! Thom: Well, Mr. Loria, it's been nice talking to you, but we've got to go. It seems we have a call closer to home. A really dreamy shortstop in New York wants us to 'make over' his teammates. Something about a bunch of them being 'losers'. Kyan: Ugh. I bet I'm going to see some really dirty bathtubs and a lot of mousse and gold chains... Ted: Well, that's why we took this job. To face this sort of challenge head on. To the SUV, gentlemen! Loria: Wait, Fab Five! How can I ever thank you enough? Thom: Just listen, and learn. Seeing the results is all the reward we desire. (On their way out, each member of the Five stop to impart one more nugget of wisdom.) Kyan: Eye cream is great for that delicate skin around
your eyes. To apply, put a little on your ring finger and tap, don't rub.
And for heaven's sake, lose the eye black! It doesn't even work, anyway! Carson: Sleeves look better if they're pushed just slightly up. You can your wear shirts untucked and that's totally fine, but if you do, you miss that extra detail, which is the belt. Going half-tucked gives you some of both. I know it's against the rules, but a fine is a small price to pay for looking chic. Ted: Here's a great way to dress up a normal ingredient: use a cookie-cutter to create more distinctive bed for your canapés. Then brush extra virgin olive oil on, add a little proscuitto and some julienned arugula. Top with parmesan — use a vegetable peeler to create an attractive curl. You can charge most anything you want for something like that...the sky's the limit! Jai: Most singers on Broadway use personal steamers because they're a really good, quick fix for whenever you feel congested or need a little extra moisture. I usually take out the filter and what I'll do is take a paper towel and wrap it around (the steamer) so you don't let any of the steam escape. Then put your nose and your whole face in there and just breathe in and out, normally, from your mouth and your nose. Be sure to have plenty of these around the locker room! Thom: Bad lighting, an American epidemic. Here's the solution: a simple porcelain Edison socket and a silver-tipped light bulb. We expect to see that locker room looking great in the post-season! (Hugging Loria.) Loria: Thank you all so much. You're wonderful! MONTHS LATER, IN THE FAB FIVE PENTHOUSE: Carson: I'm excited to see what they've done! Jai: Yes, it'll be really interesting to see what the cameras have picked up since we left. Carson: Oooh, LOOK at those uniforms! They are to DIE for! How have I missed their look before? Thom: Hey, they got the catcher after all! Look at him! those moony eyes...he's a dream! Jai: Oh, my god, the game is over, they won, and the catcher and the outfielder are KISSING! Carson: Well, that's not much of a kiss... Ted: One step at a time, Carson, one step at a time... Kyan: Look at all those people in the stands! God, I can only imagine what those bathrooms look like... Thom: Don't worry, Kyan. The point is, we were successful. Those guys played with elan and brio and knocked the heck out of those mystique and aura guys. and I hear you can't find anything with a Marlins logo on a shelf anywhere in South Florida...they are all on people's backs! Ted: Another job well done! Thom: (raising his glass) to us! Carson: and to the Marlins! It's amazing what a little makeover can do! Jai: Guys, it's the Queerphone! Some guy that calls himself "The Boss..."
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