The Pitching Gurus Strike Again

Bob's Backstop for June 22, 2004

"Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Say, Jim, I have an idea..."

"What's that, Mike?"

"Well, you know, we're in last place now...thirteen and twenty-seven over our last forty games. What do you think we ought to do?"

"Well, let's see...let's take a hard look at the ole stat sheets here...hmm...well, we have one starting pitcher that we'd keep in the rotation in a best-case scenario, and actually, we've even been waiting for him to implode, considering his peripheral numbers. The kids really haven't hit very well, and the free agents got off to hot starts, but they have cooled down...they aren't failures, but they aren't carrying the team on their backs any more, either. And now, we've got injury problems. Not too good. Looks really bad."

"But isn't it possible that most all of those things can change? I mean, look at Tampa six weeks ago...everyone was writing stories projecting when Sweet Lou was going to leave town, and now look at them. And look at what Detroit is doing, coming off one of the worst seasons in baseball history. Are we supposed to start mortgaging the future to win a couple more games now, when a month from now, Bigbie could be on fire, Bedard could find the strike zone, Sidney could decide he wants to pitch, and so on?"

"Yes, that's exactly what we should do. Let's mortgage a little future. Just a smidge. Come on, you'll like it. It's not as bad as you might think. It beats the heck out of being in last place, I tell you that. Everyone's going to start laughing at us again, if they haven't already. And those guys from WBAL, The Orioles Hangout, and Birds in the Belfry have been calling...their participation has been cut in half since the team went into the tank again. We've got to do something to save our phoney-baloney jobs! Let's...HARUMPH!"

"Remember what happened the last two times we harumphed, Jim?"

"What?"

"We panicked and signed Omar Daal, and then Sidney!"

"Well, third time's the charm, right? Let's give it a shot."

(Sighing) "Okay, okay..."

"Let's do it! HARUMPH....HARUMPH...HARUMPH....HARUMPH..."

"I got it!"

"What is it, Mike?"

"Let's trade that Denny Bautista kid. You know, the one that we acquired though some miracle for Jeff Conine last year, along with the other prospects that are stinking to high heaven. I'm sure that there is a team that has thrown in the towel completely, and will trade a veteran geezer-type for him, maybe an innings-eating reliever so we can move R-Lo back to the rotation before he implodes..."

"You mean trade him to a team that is doing what we should be doing, namely, still building towards the future, instead of panicking and adding a lot of age and mediocrity to a young, still-promising nucleus?"

"Yeah, in other words, to someone smarter than us, whose own plan backfired like ours, only they aren't going to freak out, but still build, and count on good will from the fans to see them through. Someone like...Kansas City..."

And the rest, as they say...is history...

Oh, Denny Boy...

The Royals, The Royals are calling...