Penny Wise, Pound Foolish

Bob's Backstop for January 26, 2004

Well, it's all over now. The Orioles spending spree has finally come to an end, and the guys still have some greenbacks in their pocket. It seems like they are planning to earmark the money for more players next year, but can't some of it be put to immediate use? After all, this team still needs some help...

Things the Orioles Should Do with the Money They Saved By Not Signing Vlad:

Go to Ollie's Bargain Center and buy a dollar 20 oz. Coke to hand out to every fan attending games in July and August.

Replace ARAMARK crabcakes with ones from Faidley's Seafood at Lexington Market at the same price.

Buy everyone associated with  any of the Washington Baseball groups a Hummer and a Rolex.

Head over to Dover Downs, play the slots. See if you can win enough to trade for A-Rod.

Commission Waterford to create new "Six Years of Losing and Counting" Commemorative Crystal Egg for display at the Camden Club. (Nestled inside are a miniature solid gold Frank Wren, Syd Thrift, Albert Belle, and Doug Drabek.)

Buy hats for Orioles giveaways at all upcoming season Manchester United matches.

Lower price of beer by $3 for 2004. Sign Magglio Ordonez in off-season. Raise beer prices $3.

Sign several $1M pitchers, all of whom are better then Omar Daal, and save them up for insertion into starting rotation as needed.

Buy the Expos, move them to Ottawa.

Offer Jon Miller a $12M a year contract.

Put up cell phone towers to improve reception in the ballpark.

Beluga Caviar Night.

Build Metro extension from Greenbelt to Camden Yards.

Buy several hundred thousand copies of the 2004 Baseball Prospectus. Read at least one of them.

Hire Bruce Hornsby to play live between innings. (bonus: no more opera singers singing 5-minute versions of the national anthem.)

Re-hire Syd Thrift for $2M a year, place him in "Dunk the Clown" tank in the "O's Kid Zone."

Have a "original art from the overpriced art gallery in the warehouse" giveaway night. ("Okay, we want you all to hold those limited edition Leroy Neiman paintings high over your head so our Jumbotron cameras can see them. That's it! Now, wave them around...")

Gold-Plated Floppy Hat Night.

Sign Maels Rodriguez and Orlando Hernandez, assign them to Fantasy Camp.

Buy a decent baked beans and cole slaw recipe for Boog's Barbecue.

Seat Upgrade promotion that places ordinary fans in the Mayor's Box or the Owner's Box to mingle with the elite instead of some infield box seat under the overhang.

Jet-Packs available for all DC fans kvetching about their two hour ride home.