Operator, Can You Help Me Place This Call? Bob's Backstop for February 12, 2004

We got one of those "free weekends" on cable this past week, wherein you get to "try out" some new channels. As I was flipping around, one channel of note was this thing called "The Millionaire Ballplayers Network", or MBN. When I tuned in at one A.M., I saw a portion of this infomercial...

"Hi! I'm Javy Lopez!"

"And I'm Frank Thomas..."

"And I'm Alex Rodriguez. You know, there's nothing as aggravating in the off-season as getting those annoying calls from your ballclub, wanting you for this, or that."

Thomas: "That's right, A-Rod. It's bad enough having a guy you used to play with and dislike now working as your manager, but then to have to take his phone calls? Please!"

Lopez: "And just because you sign a contract for a gazillion dollars, why should that mean that this ballclub should be able to call you at all hours of the day or night? We need our rest!" (All nod.)

A-Rod: "That's why we were excited when Belle Laboratories came to us with this exciting new technological breakthrough...The Green Monster! Tell them how it works, Frank..."

Thomas: "Why should I do it? You're the 24 million dollar golden boy! The Big Hurt doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. No one orders me around!"

Lopez: "Uh, what Frank means is, this is a carefully calibrated piece of scientific equipment that can detect baseball in the blood of any callers when they touch their keypads. When any long-suffering baseball executive or manager tries to call you, the call is automatically switched to the patented Excuse-O-Meter, whose patented Intel technology identifies the caller through voice recognition and delivers the most appropriate response in the voice of a parent or intimate friend, including "He's in mourning over the loss of his hamster. He's taken it pretty hard, I'm not sure when he'll be back," or "He's dealing with some really pressing personal issues by taking a trip to the Bahamas. He said something about February fifteenth."

A-Rod: "Or, if you really want to make a statement by not making one at all, flip on the "Stonewall" feature, and all of those calls just disappear into thin air, sort of like what you wish would happen to your manager."

Thomas: "Yes, folks, it's bad enough when these managers and GMs hassle you for eight months out of the year...well, seven, if you miss most of Spring Training sulking or holding out or nursing a sore instep...but with The Green Monster, you can take back those last four months of the year and keep them all to yourself!"

Lopez: "Soon to come: the new Media Monster, which can identify ink-stained or keyboard-callused dialers, as well! Get yours today!"