Jose, Can You See?

Bob's Backstop for February 18, 2005

I used to play major league baseball. Well, occasionally a major league baseball would play me, but that's not going to sell any books, so we won't discuss that here.

Instead, I'm going to talk about steroids. Why?

Well, I've tried a lot of stuff in my career to keep my name in the limelight. I tried dating Madonna (now who would have thought at that point in time that Madonna would still be a big star today, and I'd be writing a tell-all book just to get my name in the paper? Wouldn't you think it would have been the other way around? Who knew?)...I tried driving a car powered by rocket fuel...I tried selling opportunities for fans to hang with me...I had a 900 number where fans could call up and hear my quote of the day, or ask me questions...I tried claiming I was blackballed by baseball...but nothing seemed to last.

I was beside myself. And then, it happened. I saw the light.

First, David Wells wrote his book. He defamed plenty of respected major-league players, some of them on his own team. And he got away with it! He not only got a pass because "oh, it's just Boomer, no one takes him seriously!", but he ended up with a new contract with San Diego a year later!

Then, Pete Rose took a turn. Now, I've known Pete awhile. We've even traveled in the same circle of questionable characters from time to time, spent some time in a few bathroom stalls shooting each other up. But not even I imagined Pete could write something as amazing as he did...a tell-all book that admitted something he'd denied for many years, all with the goal of making money for him while perhaps clearing the way to the Hall of Fame!

So now, it was my turn. I thought I'd combine the best elements of the two books...telling outrageous lies about teammates, and a long-overdue personal confession.

Has it worked?

Well, I did get a chance to shoot up with Mike Wallace in the executive's men's room at Black Rock. I was surprised when he told me that he attributed much of the longevity of his career to anabolic steroids. He laughed when he said that all those articles over the years that have honed in on his aggressive "take no prisoners" interviewing approach were actually lauding him over outbreaks of "'roid rage."

I have gotten a lot more face time on TV, sure, but a recent poll gave me less credibility on the air than Ron Popeil !

I don't know why everything I do turns to crap. Daryl Strawberry? Forgiven. Pete Rose? Still a lot of argument pushing him for the Hall, can get on the Home Shopper's Network anytime he wants. Boomer? Pitching for the Red Sox, for heaven's sake!

So why not me? You'd think I was Denny McLain or something!

Well, I guess my time with you is up. If you'd like to hear more lies or self-indulgent whining, just re-swipe your credit card for another 9.95...