Is Nothing Sacred? Bob's Backstop for May 22, 2004

"Cashbar, get in here."

"Yes, your unholiness?"

"Casbah, we've got to do something about this revenue thing. I mean, how long can we have a journeyman playing second base? Now that Boone doesn't appear to be available, I was thinking about Nomar."

"Nomar? But, Sir, we already have two shortstops..."

"Well, I was thinking he could play second. Don't you think he'd like to stick it to the Red Sox? It sure worked with Clemens for a few years..."

"I agree that it turned out well. You know, it could work, if we could raise our revenue stream a bit and maybe...move Jeter over to second?"

"WHAT?"

"Um...move Jeter over to second..."

"That's what I thought you said. Never! NEVER!"

"Yes, Sir, you're right. I don't know what came over me..."

"That's better. So, what can we do about improving some revenues?"

"Well, those guys from Crunch 'N Munch called again this week..."

"Crunch 'N Munch?"

"Yes, Sir. You know, the Cracker Jack clones. I've been serving their stuff with your lunch for weeks now."

"Oh, is that what that was? I was wondering why I couldn't find any prizes. The grandkids love it when I bring them the prizes back to Tampa. I love the little tattoos, myself, except when they get wet and start to fade away..."

"Yes, Sir, that IS a bitch, Sir. So, do you want to talk to them? They are offering one hundred thousand dollars for exclusive rights to Yankee Stadium, and to be known as the official Caramel Popcorn With a Couple of Peanuts Tossed In Snack of the Yankees. We've been hesitant to bring the offer to you because, well, it seemed sort of sacrilege, not serving Cracker Jack..."

"Hey, we're the ones who hooked up with a soccer team, remember? And we're the ones who questioned the sharing of merchandise money a long time before Barry Bonds. We wallow in nostalgia, Carswell. We're the ones who determine what that nostalgia IS. We'll just give 'em a added dose of Bob Shepherd, some Irish tenor, and the monuments, and they'll stop rooting around in the box looking for a prize. Now, who else has approached us that you haven't told me about?"

"Well, there was Taco Bell, who wanted us to take hot dogs out of the ballpark and replace them with burritos and tacos..."

"Hmm...could help show how ethnic-friendly we are, too, maybe help us with some more defectors from Cuba, or some Dominican free agents..."

"Well it's not quite their cuisine, Sir, but I see where you're headed. Anyway, they have offered us five million dollars..."

"See? That pays for one-third of Nomar's salary right there!"

"What about replacing the beer with Mike's Hard Lemonade and ZUMA? They have both been after us for awhile...and we've had some inquiries about the National Anthem spot, too..."

"By George, I think he's got it! Way to go, Cashman...I knew there was a reason I loved your name from the beginning..."