The Daily Birdcage - All the News That's Fit to Sit

Palmeiro Fingers Peanut

Legume legend "Mr. Peanut" held a press conference today to address leaked allegations that Rafael Palmeiro brought up the famous goober's name when questioned this summer by a congressional committee.

"It's all much ado about nothing," sighed the DiMaggio-like stately lifelong bachelor, whose image has represented the middle of baseball's Holy Snack Trinity - popcorn, peanuts, and Cracker Jack - since the 1920's. "I hardly know him other than a pairing at one of those dreadful pro-am PGA events a few years ago. After all, like so many of today's players, he's into sunflower seeds. I've heard that he's one of those fellows who eats all of the cashews out of the mixed nut dish at parties, but that's really all I know about him, nut-wise."

"Mr. Peanut" Addresses Palmeiro Allegations.

"I really have no idea how my name came up. I talked to Sandy the Sailor from Cracker Jack this morning, and he said he hadn't heard anything." He smiled wryly before continuing. "I guess he might bring up Orville Reddenbacher next, since he's dead and can't defend himself."

When questioned about his own use of any enhancement drugs or supplements, Mr. Peanut shook his shell so vigorously his monocle fell out of place for a split second, to the gasp of the crowd. "Peanut oil, plain and simple. The only thing I've ingested in all my years is 100% peanut oil. Maybe some of those morons should try it. After all, I'm over eighty and looking better than ever. Ever take a look at how they were drawing me in 1922? I looked like the Tobonga! I'm telling you, boys, it's all legit, and I'll stand by my statements 100%.

"Besides, who are you going to believe, some Cuban-born penis pill-pusher, or a native Virginian proudly representing the best that peanuts have to offer not only at parties and for snacks, but for the ballpark experience? I tell you, the man is a disgrace. No one is safe. Miguel Tejada, Lee Mazzilli, me, Poppin' Fresh, Toucan Sam; for all I know, he'll point a finger at Sugar Bear and the government will be looking into the makeup of Post Sugar Crisp to find out why the bear can't get enough of it.

"I want to thank you all for coming, and I'll leave you with these great words; Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Thank you, and God Bless America!"

MLB Decides to Rotate Nats' Ownership

MLB has found themselves "unable to decide on a single buyer," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a press conference yesterday.

"Despite our constant criteria shifts and exorbitant demands, every potential ownership group has followed along like sheep. So we've decided to rotate the ownership on a four-year basis. DC residents are used to the changing of administrations and having no real representation, so it shouldn't be a big deal to them.

"The first drawing for the 2006-2010 seasons will take place on national TV at halftime of the Super Bowl."

When asked about the team remaining rudderless throughout the critical free agent period, Selig replied, "Look, most teams would be better off without an owner. Who do you think Baltimore fans want holding the rudder, Peter Angelos, or an empty suit?

"I rest my case."

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Angelos Seen Dining With Ole Scratch

Peter Angelos was recently seen dining at the Engineers Club with Satan. Upon questioning, Satan acknowledged only that he and Angelos were old friends.

"Albert Belle introduced us at a Halloween party. I had just planted a mental suggestion into Albert's head, and he'd picked up the keys to his Jeep and told everyone he'd be back in awhile. Just then, I turned around, and there was this little...I mean, distinguished-looking barrister. We started talking and found out we had a lot in common: unions, politics, oversized settlements, Will Clark. Before I left for the Steinbrenner bash, I mentioned to Pete that he should give my old friend Syd Thrift a call, and we've continued to be close ever since.

"I've enjoyed our association over the years, so I really wouldn't expect to see things get better on the field around here anytime soon.

"Lee Mazzilli? Yeah, he was one of my most inspired stunts. Remember that Obi-Wan crap in the first Star Wars movie about the Force clouding the slow of mind? Well, you think Obi-Wan has got anything on me?

"As for next year, I'm thinking Wally Backman..."

Bonds Offers Himself as Human Sacrifice

Barry Bonds, upset with the media over their response to his recent statements concerning Congress and hurricane Katrina, today offered his services to the Army Corps of Engineers.

Bonds Once More Into the Breech.

Colonel Buck Private of the Corps was on hand to receive Bonds' offer. "We are touched by Mister Bonds' sacrifice. There are several levees in the New Orleans area that are in harm's way again after Rita. Our best men are studying the situation to see where Mister Bonds' body can shore up the most damage. Once the weather clears, we'll helicopter in and drop him into the point of the most critical breech."

When asked if one man's body could really help skirt disaster, the Colonel laughed and said, "Are you kidding? Just look at the size of that head! You ever seen ANYthing like that?"

At this point, Bonds placed the Colonel in a headlock, and the Giants' P.R. spokesperson whisked the media representatives away.

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Angels Lose Lawsuit, Opt to be Called Portland Angels of Anaheim

In a surprising development, the Angels turned from their attempt to co-opt the name on a city in which they do not play to adopt the name of a non-MLB city.

"We figure there won't be any problems with Portland. After all, they've been trying to get a MLB team for years, so now they can take the first step...they have a team named after their city," said a spokesperson for the Angels.

Portland Mayor Treehugger Creamcheese said they were thrilled to finally be on the MLB map. "After our experiences with the Trailblazers, we're beginning to think that the people of our city are safer if the team that represents us doesn't play or live anywhere near here, anyway."