Hot Dogs in the News

 by Bob Bryant - June 9 , 2006

"Et Tu, Peter?"                               The Daily Belfarian                "All the News We Can Fit"

New Baserunning Coach Named for Orioles

As the Orioles complete a .500 home stand, falling further behind in the AL East, the team today announced yet another move in the coaching lineup.

"It's our pleasure to announce the official hiring of 'Ketchup Dog' as the new baserunning coach of the Orioles," announced GM Mike Flanagan, speaking to a yawning group of journalists just as the team boarded a bus for BWI.

"We've been watching him closely in the Jumbotron races. Those 22 wins he's stacked up against only 12 for Mustard Dog and 8 for Relish Dog is pretty darn impressive. We really think he can help the club.

"He was a factor in Spring Training when we brought him in as a consultant, but the string of wins he's posted against such strong competition sort of cemented our resolve that we needed to address this now, especially since there are rumors that the Nats were planning to make him an offer.

"It's true that someone will have to go from the coaching staff to make room. It's a tough call, but we've decided to let Tom Trebelhorn go.

"Since Ketchup Dog can't talk, is sort of small, and doesn't have any arms to perform the patented 'coach's windmill', we've decided to go with the 'softball team' coaching philosophy, so whomever is on the bench will coach third. We figure it will give them a chance to 'be in the game', so to speak, perhaps get them a bit more prepared for a pinch-running or pinch-hitting opportunity.

"Besides, no one was listening to Trebelhorn, anyway."

Aramark Brings in Troubleshooter

In response to the demands of the new ownership of the Nats, Aramark, the park's food vendor, has hired ex-Oriole Brad Pennington as a consultant to deal with the slow service and food shortages that have plagued the organization ever since its return to RFK a season ago.

When asked about his qualifications, new team President Stan Kasden pointed out that since his baseball career ended, Pennington has built an outstanding reputation as a developer of innovative culinary strategies for teams throughout the minor leagues, and in recent years, the majors.

"He might look a bit eccentric these days, but if Aramark can bring in a guy who developed the 'Garlic French Fry' for the Giants, the special 'Losing Culture Frozen Yogurt' for Kansas City, and the $45 'Batting-Helmet-O'-Coke' that's sweeping ballparks across the country, then we're all for it," said Kasden.

When asked how he intended to tackle the complex issues that have hounded the franchise since moving back into musty RFK Stadium, Pennington shrugged his broad shoulders.

"First, I think we'll work on stacking as many boxes of hot dogs and bags of buns inside each stand as possible. Then, we'll put microwaves in every stand. Did you know you can microwave a hot dog in 30 seconds, right in the bun if you wrap the whole thing in a damp paper towel? Tastes as good as one taken off one of those roller things."

When asked, Kasden denied that Pennington's status as an ex-Oriole had anything to do with his hiring.

Jason Grimsley's Troubles Rooted in Teen Addictions

Recent revelations concerning pitcher Jason Grimsley's use of HGH, or Human Growth Hormone, came as no surprise to those who grew up with the ex-major league pitcher.

"Jason was never respectful of his body," said ex-high school teammate Biff Jockeyshorts. "He'd put anything in there. He read this brochure put out by Hormel taking about the health advantages of hot dogs and Spam, and the next thing you know, he was knocking down a half-dozen dogs a day, washing them down with a lot of Coca-Cola.

"He ate a lot of Slim Jims, too. He'd buy 'em by the box. When he was on a bender, he'd polish off the whole thing. I know, because sometimes he couldn't get the wrappers off, and he'd plead with me to do it for him. His hands would be, like, shaking!

"There were always three or four empty Coke cans rattling around in the dugout after a game. One time our first baseman turned his ankle on one of them. They used to be steel, you know, not that soft aluminum like they are now. The coach told him no more sodas in the dugout, so he started sucking down those little tear-off-top syrup packages that you get in the plastic basket at the diner.

"For awhile, it was Twinkies. Then, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. The Marshmallow Supremes. The Oatmeal Pies with that white stuff in the middle, whatever it was. He'd have that stuff on his face all the time. One time he was thrown out of a game because the ump thought he was using a foreign substance on the ball. He'd been eating Nacho Cheese Doritos between innings.

"He's a good guy. He just didn't know when to stop. He wasn't the most talented guy, so he was always looking for an edge. A sugar high, a carb rush, whatever he could get.

"I hope he can get things straightened out now. If you see him, tell him if he needs a gig, I have a friend in charge of the route drivers for the local Pepsi distributor."