Baghdad Bob Becomes Boras Bob

by Bob Bryant - December 16, 2003

In case you haven't heard, Scott Boras has hired a new PR flak to help him with his agent tasks. Since one of the main tasks of an agent in the off-season is to decry the system, make false claims in favor of your clients, and to verbally abuse the competition, Boras hired out-of-work Iraqi Information Minister, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahaf. Scott's recent claims concerning the free agents he represents makes it clear that he has truly been blessed bringing this new talent on board. We caught up with Mr. al-Sahaf on the streets of the French Quarter when we were on a fruitless search for Brian Cashman.

BB: Thanks for sitting down with us. We have heard interesting things about you since Scott hired you to handle the public relations for his agency.

MSS: It is just and good that it should be so. After all, when we were drawing up the rules of the game, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics, the grandfathers of Cashman and little Epstein were scratching around in caves.

BB: Whoa, wait a minute. You're telling us that people from the Middle East invented baseball?

MSS: Search for the truth. That is all I have to say on the matter.

BB: Okay, let's move on. So, how are things going so far with Kevin Millwood? I mean, the Phillies offered him arbitration, because it looked like no one else was willing to give you what you wanted.

MSS: Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame the media before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role. We have countless offers for Millwood. On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the general managers calling us daily, begging for an audience. The operation continues.

BB: Well, suppose the case goes to arbitration? What sort of approach will Mr. Boras take with the arbitrators and the Phillies management?

MSS: They are most welcome. We will butcher them. We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.

BB: Well, that would be an interesting approach. Suppose it doesn't go your way, and Millwood gets, say, less than ten million for the season? Then what?

MSS: God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of John Rocker!

BB: Well, that doesn't sound too pleasant. Look, a year ago, your boss tried to get a long term, over ten million a year deal for his catcher, Ivan Rodriguez, and couldn't find any takers. Just before he signed a three year deal for a lot less money with the Orioles, he got an offer from the Marlins, which was for $10M, though we later found out that a lot of that money was deferred...

MSS: By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as he signed that contract, the media began weaving their tapestry of lies. Actually, the contract worked out quite well; not only were the infidel Yankees driven back into the sea, but I-Rod positioned himself for the Mother of All Paydays!

BB: But, to this point, he's only gotten exactly the same offer he got from the Orioles a year ago, with incentives added...

MSS: That is all a lie! We have several large contract offers in hand for I-Rod to choose from. I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that the general managers have started to commit suicide outside the very gates of this hotel! We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly, until we have made the selection of honor for I-Rod !

BB: But, I haven't seen any offers, or heard anyone talking about signing either one of those guys. I mean, Scott Boras tells us that he has all sorts of teams lined up with multi-year deals, but they still want to listen to other teams' offers...I have to tell you, it all sounds like a load of...

MSS: Stop right there! Your good common sense has obviously been blinded by listening to the poison spewed forth by the general managers and their lackeys in the press. They should all be hit with shoes! They are sick in their minds. They say they have no need of a 10M a year catcher. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind. They need him, and they need us. To not acknowledge this is sheer folly. They will lie screaming in the desert, their entrails steaming from their fans hacking them to death because they have not locked up one of our players!

BB: Okay. Well, I guess the last guys we should mention are A-Rod and Greg Maddux. I mean, who would have ever thought that no one would want to pick up one of these guys? I mean, one's hugely overpriced, and the other is pretty shot, but, well, don't you think that everyone is sort of having a good laugh at Mr. Boras' expense?

MSS: The Red Sox must trade for A-Rod! It is the only way for them to give the hordes of Yankee mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a quagmire and they will never get out of it. The fans demand it, and now, so does Nomar! We have triumphed!

BB: So what about Maddux? I mean, he doesn't even have an offer yet. The friggin' Yankees didn't even bite, I mean, come on, let's face it...no one really wants to pay this guy more than four or five million after making what, fifteen last year? And that's probably too much...

MSS: I thought you were different, since you are not a newspaper, but now, I see that you are the same as the rest! You, too, are a member of the international criminal gang of bastards. Please, please! The general managers are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method, and I repeat myself today. We are not to be denied!

BB: Well, thank you, Mr. al-Sahaf. We look forward to hearting more from you in the future.

MSS: Not at all. Please to direct me, on the map? I have a meeting with gullible people set up over in the next state for tomorrow.

BB: sure. Where are you headed?

MSS: Some place called Tampa. I'm having a cheeseburger with someone they call "The Boss."