I'm Your Agent, and I'm Here to Help...

Bob's Backstop for February 4, 2004

"Pudge, is that you?"

"Yes, Scott, it's me. What's up? What's the good word, my man?"

"Well, Pudge, I got you the ten mil, for four years, just as I said I would..."

"Awesome! I knew you could do it, Scott. And everyone said you were misreading the market! Hah!"

"Well, Pudge, we did have to make a few concessions..."

"Concessions?"

"Yes. If you hurt your back and are out for more than five weeks, the team can drop you at the end of the second season, and it's backloaded so more of the money is guaranteed AFTER that..."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, come on, where's your sense of adventure, Pudge?"

"Let's see...I had three year deals from Baltimore and the Marlins all lined up, without any  back clauses in there...a guaranteed everyday good ole fashioned overpaid contract, for either the defending World Champion or a team rebuilding with great fans in one of the best ballparks in the country...and I'm going to Detroit to become their annual All-Star Game pick or to get cut sometime over the next couple of years if I have a recurrence of my back problem, and I'm a CATCHER? Is that pretty much your drift, there, Scott?"

"Um, yeah..."

"Where did you learn negotiation? Watching George Costanza on Seinfeld reruns?"

"Hey, my techniques are tried and true, Pudge. You're the one who said you were insulted at these guys offering less than you were making in your one-year Florida deal."

"Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot. The Florida deal where I actually got three million dollars until the year 2010, when I'll probably have to sue to get any more because the Marlins will be in Las Vegas, or in Washington, or defunct."

"Hey, I do the best I can by my clients, Pudge..."

"Oh, I guess why that's why Maddux, Travis Lee, and Ron Villone are all still looking for jobs three weeks before SPRING TRAINING, while you stand there patting your breast pocket with its list of a dozen teams in the bidding like you're Charlie McCarthy?"

"Actually, Pudge, that was EUGENE McCarthy. I think. But anyway..."

"I had dinner with Kenny Rogers the other night. He was telling me how he wanted to stay in Texas, but you turned down the Rangers'  offer for $11 million for two years , patting on that pocket saying you  had other four-year, $40 million offers. Next thing he knew, he was pitching on a one-year, $2 million deal from Minnesota. This winter, you managed to  re-sign him with the Rangers for two years, $6 million, but he's still $3 million short. And I was laughing. I guess he'll be the one laughing now. Well, him and every columnist in the United States.

This contract gets Millsy off the hook, too. Remember when you  turned down that three-year, $35 million offer from the Phillies for him, claiming you had "numerous five-year offers?" Then, a month later, he end up accepting arbitration from the Phillies. How were you able to convince him that one year at $12 million is really better than a guaranteed $35 million?

And then there was poor old Rey Sanchez. Remember him?  In 2001, the Royals offered you a two-year, $7.5 million deal and when you turned it down, they traded him to the Braves. That winter, the best you could get him was a one-year, $700,000 deal plus $150,000 in incentives with the Red Sox. Last year, he signed for one-year, $1.3 million plus $100,000 in incentives from the Mets, and, finally, this winter he signed a $1.4 million, one-year deal with Tampa Bay. Add it up, Scottie. That's $3.25 million over three years, or about $4.3 million less than the offer you turned down from Kansas City...

And, besides, what happens if I do hurt my back? What kind of contract do you think I'll get then? One of those one million dollar Robbie Alomar contracts? The upkeep on the statue of me in the front yard is more than that, Scott. So I trade 21 million over three years for 15 million guaranteed over two years, and I get to play for a team that could improve by twenty games and still lose a hundred?"

"Hey, what did you want me to do? It's not like the Marlins were going to offer you arbitration or something..."

"Why not? If I were them and it was possible, I'd have done it, since you've been blowing those for awhile, too. What's your record over the last five years, Scottie?"

"um..."

"come on, what is it?"

"One out of ten."

"One out of ten. I guess the amazing thing is that you managed to win one." (CLICK)

"Um, Pudge? Pudge?'

TUNE IN NEXT TIME AS GREG MADDUX SAYS: "Avenging Agent, my $$&*#. Get that little $#%^&# on the phone..."